change is in the air

yep fall is finding its way here.  You know the fall that finally makes you question if you should put on a bigger sweater, and when you can't help but notice that the leaves are filled with color.

This is not my favorite time of year.  It is bearable though because it will only get worse and then it will be spring again.  

I really don't like the cold.  It is very intimidating to me.  A couple of winters I have been very strong and said, I will not be afraid of the cold! and it has worked.  That kind of strength is not in me this year.  And a large part of the that is because I just dont feel like forcing me to do something.

Things on my to do list are making me anxious.  The things I want to do dont get done and that makes me anxious.  So one of the first things I must have in my life is some exercise and yoga.  Nothing I have ever done is a great aid than those two things.  Yet I they dont fit in because I have gotten so lethargic.

So one of the sections is going to be turned into a self improvement type of section.  This will include diet, nutrition, exercise, meditation articles.  Anything I may really desire to put into my life again.  

You know that energy that pulses thru your veins when you have made yourself important to you.  When you do not make or break your attitude over your spouses every mood swing.  You just like being and doing what you're doing and being LOL

Well that is where I am headed! Starting today! Lots of water. and 20 mins on the mat

pondering the space between

The Space Between 

dave matthews

The lies we tell to stay safe from  the pain.  Strange allies with waring hearts!  this song is filled with words that come together to explain the incredible dynamics behind relationships behind well, love.  I think I can make an entry a day for years centered on this song.  Wish I had written it the damn thing myself.  Any way I will be pondering this as I take up my journal and leave my lap top for the next 4 days.  Only to return with a different perspective.  Know that I will be thinking of this space of life alot, looking for interesting spaces to write about...

have a "kick ass weekend"!

A new section perhaps?

"When did I get comfortable with myself falling apart?"
Read more: http://paulinaperson.pnn.com/articles/show/52250-highlights#ixzz0T993x5KW

Ok I have 5 minutes till time for me to jump in the shower.  WARNING: a bit of B*t*hing going on here ~ feel free to move on until I post later today!

I got yelled at last night, and it hurt and almost shut me down, but instead of letting the tone and words run  me  over I simply got up and went into another room for the night.  course it still really pi**ed me off and it took me a while to go to  sleep then I woke at 3 cause I knew I didnt have the alarm...stayed awake for an hour before I decided to get back into our bed and then listen to him snore for at least 45 mins before falling asleep for a half hour before the dang alarm went off.

On our anniversary weekend thru all the quiet intimate talks he came out of no where and blasted me for something (One angry sentence) said oh, at least a month prior. He knew it had really messed things up and he had obviously been warming up to me again when out of the blue he yells again last night.  

I hate it when he talks mean, and it makes me put up a wall..and separate.  and I wish this on my kids? why?  it is so much work ...one song I really like by drive by truckers is the song about because love causes pain it is a world of hurt... 

gotta shower...plz ladies, I will come back and have another perspective in oooo about 10 hours! but have a great day! and know that i have to have some place to vent...

yall are the best, and ha yall actually pay attention LOL

Fresh Air

So early this morning, that stupid alarm went off and I jump up and take my first painful steps of the morning down the stairs.  The first thing I do is hit the brew button and then I let the 2 cats in from the sunroom and they are soo excited.  Then it is time to open the lap top and see what has happened since I closed it at 10 last night.  

There is this kid that is my "friend" on facebook.  He is maybe 23, you see I really dont know him at all.  I know his sister and she recommended to me to friend him.  He is constantly posting pics and comments.  I really enjoy looking to see where he is and what he is finding interesting.  

He touched on politics last night and really got some conversation going (that happens alot lately)  He is so respectful and neutral that I really have a hard time figuring out what his stand is.  I do hope he is going into journalism.

 And that is how I start my day.

Saturday our now 20 year old daughter came and spent the night with us. It was her birthday weekend and her boyfriend had to leave town suddenly when his grandmother passed away.  Sunday she, her sister and her 29 year old brother were sitting at the dinning room table doing homework.  Laughing really big laughs at the baby of the four being silly.  It was so like fresh air to hear.  I was torn to be in the kitchen preparing the meal and being in there with the laughter.  

As punctual as a train the 3 son shows up for dinner.  After dinner they all plopped in the family room to watch a football game.  When we brought in the Krispy Treats (a long tradition of the family) The 2nd son and the youngest daughter were sharing a lazyboy...My husband and I noticed because this son is usually the one that wants his own space... The two of them were mummbling conversation and sharing krispies, 

They all drove themselves here and so the drive way was very full, our daughter drives a smart car and it is the funniest little thing.  Well our sons watching her dart around in the little car had them laughing so hard! It took her the longest to get out and she did cause the greatest laugh to close the evening.

My sister commented on my Facebook that I see my kids more in one week than she sees hers in a year.  Hers are older and far away and lives of their own...but it made me aware of the gift our kids are to us.  Often if there is stress between my husband and I we can make up quickly cause the kids are coming over and we want to enjoy them.  

Well our Sunday family time was a breath of fresh air! Ahhh and will make this rainy Monday almost bearable!

Courage

I love this time of the morning when no one is up except the two cats, the coffee pot and me!  It is always a pleasure to log on here and see what you all have been up to since the night before!   

This is my first week here at PNN and I have appreciated it very much.  Is it a coincidence that I have only seen women here?  Well I appreciate that very much too.

I followed an author of self help here to PNN and she has a wonderful piece she is leading right now.  This is week two and it is about courage.  

Courage to be authentic me.  to speak my mind has been a desire for as long as I can remember.  It is still such a struggle of mine that even being with my daughters who WILL speak their minds is very motivating.  

I am afraid of what I dont know but I am afraid.  My sister is afraid of most every thing in her life EXCEPT speaking her mind and sometimes I believe her life is better. well, at least her heart that she has to carry around with her is better even if her mind is not LOL. Most often because of the fear (real or not) the words come out harsh and persons will put up walls quickly.

This week, I have words and thoughts and women that have truely inspired me to be me. To stand up for me.  Well Dang I gotta stand up and get in the shower now! where does my quiet time go?

Does any one else have a shell, or mask they are ready to tear off to make their own lives brighter?

Monday's PNN Visitors-Left a compass

Replies to those who stopped by yesterday

WOW, I am not use to so much welcome and hey, its ok!

Thanks SallyG for your sweet comment, and most of my life has been spent being someone else.  But who doesnt do that? right, I mean you have to be one person for your parents and one person for your husband and a totally different one for your children.  Discipline does not come easy and I just do easy well, LOL

Mom~ your pat on the back was very warm too and if any one could dry cyber tears hey I know who to go to!  After 31 years I have done it all for making my marriage what I thought marriage was suppose to be.  we found hiking is about the best thing we can do and actually talk.  He is extremelly moody (really makes my premenapausal rollercoaster look slow) He and I have known each other since we were 13 ...we lived two doors away from each other! and I should've known what I was in for LOL

 Being from a single parent family (Mom! had more courage than many men I have ever known) and each sister divorced at least 2 times, well lets just say I made up what marriage was suppose to be like!!

Daughter #1 and I are good.  That was all 4 years ago.  She lives about 10 miles, going to a local branch of University, working and living with two roomates... She left for Italy 3 months after graduation, broke my heart she was barely 18.  Over there for 6 months and was ready to come home...that reality was not what she had imagined either.  We have a date on Wednesday to get me some fashionable clothes (and I am sure she will say, Coffee mom? and that means I need to go to starbuckks and order her fav.)

Friends that are bosses are bad ideas, we thought we were above that!  But also both of our daughters (#1 And #2)  were friends.  Number 1's got in an arguement, mine apologized like they demanded and then the mother called and said it was not good enough they would not accept it.  So their daughter shared it with the class come junior year and all hell broke out.  

Then our daughters #2 were BFF's for about 4 years, had an arguement and  I did NOT step in, they had been friends long enough to know what to do...BUT she did! and again it was my daughter;s fault and she also has been snubbed at school to the point of tears!  

Same snubb from mom now and we have very little we can talk about right now because her kids are what all kids ought to be.  

I am trying to get the hell out of there! but no responses to my resume in months...maybe I should post my resume someplace for review.

Jenaniele...thank you so much for coming from the other side! (I often talk to her big brother for better perspective) because I absolutely agree that she didnt want to disappoint her parents and in all of this I gave free reign because I totally believed every thing she said and she was a damn good liar.  My religion had gone past religion and love of Christ.  My husband and I had become so judgemental and truely believed we knew every thing.

That priest started an order of priests, held high expectations of morality and meanwhile had at least 2 lovers because he has at least 2 different children (24 and 1 preteen) from 2 women.

I have got to get back with Christ..but I cant tell him honestly that I am sorry for being so angry at him, turning my back on him and doing it my way again...but you know what as I write tht maybe that is exactly what he wanted have come from all of this, it may have been his idea for me to wake up and be me! Awww, that will be a compass for my day to day!  

New and too confused

The moment I got here (thanks to another blog and blogger) I realized this would be a nice place.  Quite, small like a reflection pond. My daughter will tell you that as soon as I think too much that I confuse myself.  but I dont understand so much about "my page" how do I make tabs and where is the "photo album"

Then there is my relationship with my husband.  I realize each marriage is as unique as there are individuals created.  But often there is a common thread...I live in my own reality of each relationship.  It is often based on how close I feel to that person but then it doesnt matter how close I percieve that we are.  

Examples:  Our marriage has been tough, really tough for 8 years maybe closer to 10. On our 30th something clicks (for me I really can not speak for him) And I live in the mindset that we can be ourselves and its ok.  But I learned last weekend that that is just not true.  And the more we tried to make our understanding of "us" understood to each other the more I realized we are on two pages.  He confirmed this when he said, "we all live in our own reality" .... that bothered me, then there is no reality, life is simply what we make of it in our heads.

This type of event happened again but earlier.  I thought my daughter was one person.  Turns out she was not any thing like I thought.  She had been lieing to me for years and when it unraveled I was totally amazed that she was so far from what she had made me believe and that she didnt care how hurtful that was to me.

Same year, I found out that a priest who was a founder of an order of priest that I simply adored and followed and believed ... he too had lied and several priests had covered it up.  The bad thing here is he screwed with my faith.  My faith had been rich from all that this order had taught me and motivated me with...many many of the priest in this order are what they said they are but the founder to be so screwed up ... well now I have to figure a way to reconnect to Christ, because the connection I had was my "reality".

My place of work, my bosses were my friends but now I discover we never really were, she lies and manipulates others to do what she judges needs to be done.  And still I have to work with them...so my days there are certainly my own "reality"

Reality is what we want it to be...that should make life easier, but it doesn't, now life is gray. How will you connect if you and your spouse are extremely opposite?  How can you truly trust any relationship because they are all figments of our imaginations.

My husband told me that I didn't understand him at all.  Now he was mad and he SO often says whatever comes out of his butt, but he said it like I truly didn't.  But then that misunderstanding goes for both of us, Correct?  So we are put here for X reason, we spend our lives trying to figure the X reason of our lives, and build relationships that are X to you and Y to the other.  There is no reality.  No "place" of true connection, thus we die believing X about our lives and others will bury us thinking Y about our lives...does it matter? does it matter that no one will truly know my reality?  because they live in their own.

little wisdoms